3 things whose time has passed & more 3 דברים שעליהם העולם כבר לא עומד

1. Will someone please tell the airlines to just print luggage tags like this?
_________________________________________

_________________________________________

_________________________________________

Mobile ____________________________________

Landline ___________________________________


In other words, the first line is self-explanatory; we no longer need to be instructed that our luggage is supposed to bear our names, addresses, cities, states, and ZIPs. Removal of these superfluous “field labels” would then leave us plenty of room to actually print our entire names, addresses, and cities without having to squeeze them in between the words “Name”, “Address”, and “City”. So that those of us with mile-long names, addresses, and / or cities can actually write them comfortably. Whereas the last two lines are not only necessary nowadays, but they actually do need distinguishing, hence labels. Does anyone reading this have an in with the airlines?

2. Request to all humanity: Please record short voice greetings. The time has long passed when you need to explain: "You have reached the home / voice mailbox of the Almoni family: Ploni, Roni, Bubu, Poopsy, and Snookers. We can't come to the phone right now [really?], but be assured your call is important to us. Please leave your name and phone number [what other number would I leave? Social Security?] after the tone [really? is that what I'm supposed to do when I hear that beep?], and we'll return your call just as soon as we can!"

By which time I'm exasperated. News flash: We all know what to do when we hear a voice recording. A simple "You have reached the Almonys. Please leave a message [beep]" will do it, and we'll all use our time for better pursuits than listening for a [bleeping] beep.

3. Does anyone really enjoy those Rock Stars Sing Children’s Songs albums? Seems to me they go right over the kids’ heads. Do your kids really groove to Ziggy Marley singing Itsy Bitsy Spider? Do you? Wouldn’t you just as soon listen to him sing actual Ziggy Marley music? This hybrid just seems to me like the worst of both worlds. I’ll take Rafi any day.

And we now return to our regular programming:

· I find it interesting how many women feel the need to explain why they retain their birth names. And the most common explanation is "professional reasons". So, we don't question a woman retaining her name if she's a published author, or physician, or attorney, or famous; but supposing a cleaning woman wants to retain her name “for professional reasons”? Memo: It’s 2012: Anyone who 1) earns a living and 2) has a business card -- which includes just about everyone over the age of 21 -- is a professional. But furthermore, why do we women feel we need to explain this decision at all? Does anyone expect a man to explain his decision to retain his birth name? What's wrong with "Why should I do otherwise?"

· It's not that it’s wrong for Jack to like football or for Jill to cook and sew. What's wrong is to fall asleep at the wheel as a parent and just say, "Gender will take care of itself." It is up to us parents to fight gender stereotypes actively. No one will do it for us. The corporate and social forces are out there, and make no mistake about it, they are powerful: McDonald's, Disney, and Toys R Us are all counting on you to fall asleep at the parenting wheel. The only entity that's going to challenge them is you and I. Otherwise -- they win: Pink aisles and blue aisles in the store (would we tolerate White aisles and Colored aisles?). Boxing our children in. With nowhere to go if they're outside the box. So whose side are you on? The corporations'? Or your child's?

· Employers should be obligated to subsidize their employees’ birth control…only upon the employee’s signing a pledge to use it consistently and correctly!

When Fancy U. blinds us כשהאוניברסיטה הטובה מסנוורת

The other night I attended a Hebrew production of Mother of Him [האמא שלו] by Evan Placey, a play about the mother of a young man (Jewish - yes, it’s relevant) who’s been accused of rape, and what she’s experiencing during his house arrest leading up to his trial.

In the opening scene, we learn that the press has managed to talk to everyone who’s ever met the accused, and the latest interview was with a teacher at his school, where, when he was in ninth grade, “his mother bought him porn.” What actually happened is that he was caught viewing subscriber porn and was on the verge of getting suspended from school, when his mom rescued him by coming forward with her credit card statement proving that it was actually she who had purchased the porn, not her son. Saved by the mom. She explains: “If he’d been suspended, it would’ve been on his record, and it would’ve killed his chances of getting into a good college.”

The rest of the play aside, which was excellent, this scene says it all for me: North American Jewish parents so paralyzed by the chances of their kids not getting into The College of Their Choice that they cover for them to the point of eclipsing all reasonable (and moral) behavior. What message does going to such lengths send the kids? It’s a short distance from “Anything’s excusable when the stakes are college” to “Anything’s excusable.” Whether or not viewing porn led to committing rape, what happened to “You broke the rules; you pay the price”?

When will Jewish parents unclench their white-knuckled fists, stop hovering over their application-happy offspring, and accept that public institutions of higher learning are acceptable post-secondary holding tanks for their snowflakes? That the sky doesn’t fall if you graduate from State U.? Oh. And spending some time with our kids apart from handing them the latest digital gadgets wouldn’t hurt either.

Kony 2012: Feel-good activism? ג'וזף קוני: פעלתניות ריקנית

Sitting here after having clicked Buy to purchase a Joseph Kony bracelet on Kony2012.com, feeling foolish, but I'm not certain how foolish. I've always prided myself on questioning trends and fads. Even at age 12, when a fellow seventh grader was selling POW / MIA bracelets ('member those?), I recall asking her, "So how does this help the POWs?" She was visibly stumped, and replied, "Well, uh…the money goes to, uh, send them packages?" I bucked that trend and never bought one.

So here I sit, 40 years later, my daughter having persuaded me to watch the Invisible Children film, and I admit it: I bought right into it, down to ordering the bracelet, during which the thought did pass through my mind: "What if this is a scam?" I was considering searching for "joseph kony debunk" or "invisible children debunk" when I just clicked Buy. My simultaneous thought as a Jew: "Suppose these voices and this technology had been available against Hitler?"

So, after buying the bracelet, I did search for debunking (better late than never), and read a few articles not actually debunking IC's effort, but critiquing it. One of the critiques was that the three directors of IC / JK 2012 earn salaries of $90,000 a year each. While certainly comfortable, I don't find that sum unconscionable. It sounds to me like a middle-class income, which is certainly reasonable for full-time activists, at least as deserved as the salaries of pro athletes and Hollywood stars.

And the effort does take money: He never said that money would capture Kony or stop the LRA; he said that the goal is to plaster Kony's name and image all over the globe, which will hopefully lead to his capture. Well, all that plastering is undoubtedly fueled by money, and if I can keep the engine going from my comfortable home in the Southern Arava, then yeah, I'll contribute a small sum.

Another critique was of the use of the director's son as a heartstring ploy. Yes, I did notice the use of the cute, Caucasian, blond Gavin, but excused it because Gavin's dad (what's his name, anyway?) is right: If Gavin were abducted for even one night, it would be on the cover of Newsweek. And I don't suppose they can really help Gavin's being cute, Caucasian, and blond, can they? Would it have been better for him to look like some kid out of a Roald Dahl story?

Most of the other critiques were variations on "It's more complicateג than that" and of feel-good, one-click "activism" in general. Regarding the latter, it's pretty obvious that this campaign's appeal lies in the hungering among Americans for something we can all get behind: an evil we can all oppose, regardless of where we sit on today's polarized circus we call American politics: They even created a special logo depicting the elephant and the donkey joining together to fight Kony. In fact, I have to admire these guys: They thought of every trick in the book. They really used the media — and their heads — to their full potential.

Regarding "It's more complicated than that" and "northern Ugandans themselves claim they're enjoying the longest period of quiet since 1986", well, I have some experience with claims of this genre: I live in Israel (which doesn't need a bracelet, thank you), and it disturbs me to hear Jews say in response to critiques of our wrongheaded policies, "Well it's more complex than that." No, it's not: Occupation is wrong. Subjugating 1.5 Palis is wrong. And regardless of how slickly it's sold, so is abducting 30,000 children and forcing them into slavery, no matter the "justice" of the cause. I'd gladly wear a bracelet emblazoned with that on it. So, call me a sucker if you like; my Kony 2012 bracelet will just have to serve as shorthand for all of the above.

This just in: I received my order confirmation today, and the letter says: "100% of the money from your purchase goes to the area of greatest need, including our protection and rehabilitation work in Central Africa...It allows us to be certain that we will be able to help children recover from their experiences with the LRA long after the LRA has been disarmed." This answers another concern I had, that of rehabbing these poor kids after their (hoped-for) liberation.

Blue Laws אכיפת חוקי שבת

The headline reads:
Tel Aviv continues to fine store owners open on Shabbat in mostly non-Jewish areas

First of all, it should have read:

Tel Aviv continues to fine stores open on Jewish Sabbath in mostly non-Jewish areas

This is a classic example of the absurdity of blue laws. First of all, they assume — once again — that we can define who is a Jew. Do the city inspectors ask all the males in the ‘hood to show them their circumcisions? What about females? Just for the record, when I made aliya, I was never asked to provide “proof” of my Jewishness. Mom’s ketuba? Suppose Mom was never married. And by the way, I'm still dying to know if, when an ultra-Orthodox couple goes to the rabbinate to register, are they asked for their mothers' ketubas? Hard to believe, but if anyone knows the answer, do tell.

Let's just admit it: There is no way of proving an individual’s Judaism. Hard as it is after centuries of it going unchallenged, it is incumbent upon us to make a paradigmal shift: Anyone who feels herself to be and identifies as Jewish — is Jewish. And axiomatically: Anyone who wants to relocate to Israel should be subject to immigration regulations that do not relate to religion. It’s not that our current arrangement is racist, as some claim it is; it’s that it's simply illogical and untenable.

But for argument’s sake, let’s suppose that there were some way to definitively define — and identify — who is a Jew. It assumes some sort of universal database (managed by whom?), which in turn assumes some sort of ID carried on one’s person (biometric?), but just humor me here. How do we determine that a given neighborhood is “mostly Jewish”? By resident? By household? Because members of the same household might not all be Jewish. So, as soon as the 51st Jewish resident / household moves in (monitored by whom?), an alarm goes off at City Hall and the inspectors come to fine the store owner?

This is one area where market forces should be allowed free play. If someone is foolish enough to try to open a store on Saturday in an ultra-Orthodox neighborhood, they will be open about five minutes, or the time it takes for the neighbors to organize to 1) slash the store owner’s tires 2) shatter the display window and 3) trash the place. Ergo, no one will agree to even insure the automobile or place of business of such an individual. Problem solved.

Any other (read: sane) locale should be open game, as long as ordinances are adhered to with regard to noise and parking, which they should be on all other days as well, no? And by the way: Whose taxes go to pay these city inspectors? Bingo: Yours and mine. Certainly not ultra-Orthodox citizens, who pay negative taxes. Nope. It’s the rest of us funding this circus. So let’s congratulate ourselves once again for allowing ourselves to be exploited by the Haredim.

A neighbor recently remarked to me about the Tal Law: “…but there should be room [in our society] for [full-time Torah study].” No problem. Plenty of room: tucked away in a yeshiva somewhere, financed by your father or father-in-law, or Sheldon Adelson. Not by me! Not by us.

The Medium ith the Methage המכה ה11: השפתות

A friend and I were talking (favorably) about someone we know and what a great guy he is. “But,” I said, “It’s hard for me to talk to him. His lisp distracts me.”
“His what?” she asked. “What lisp?”

The above conversation is representative of the common attitude in Israel toward this pervasive speech impediment. I don’t have statistics, but lisping is rampant in the Israeli adult population, so much so that I call it (to myself) the 11th Plague. It’s surprisingly tolerated, illustrated by the fact that we’ve had two lisping prime ministers. Yet I can think of only two adult Americans of my acquaintance who lisp. When I explained to my Israeli neighbor that in the States, you could not be elected to any public office — forget the presidency — if you lisped, she was uncomprehending.

My daughter was sitting in on this conversation and accused me of bigotry. My husband equated a lisp with a foreign accent, which should not count against a person. But it’s neither of these; it goes in its own category: It’s neither a deformity nor a birth defect; it’s simply perceived by the American public as a trait that’s inappropriate for someone in public office (or any profession wherein the practitioners face the public) to exhibit*. And it is eminently correctible.

A colleague explained to me that the reason it’s tolerated in Israel is because it carries with it an association of a stereotypically confident, macho IDF general addressing his troops. And as we all know, IDF generals are all but objects of worship in this neighborhood. Funnily, the lisp in the US is associated with infantility, or the exact opposite of an army general.

While the IDF general theory might explain a lot, it does nothing to comfort me or alleviate my distraction when I hear adults lisp — and there are so many here. The worst is when they can’t even pronounce their own names. Doesn’t anyone get it? Or care? We do have speech therapists here; we're not some far-flung outpost in that respect.

I’d be interested in hearing from other Americans whether they’ve noticed the extent of The Lisp, and also from natives of other countries how the lisp — and speech impediments in general — are perceived and handled therein.

* A “proof example” that foreign accents are not in the same category is Henry Kissinger: We Americans don’t mind accents, but we expect our words to be pronounced correctly.

Just when you thought it couldn't get any more disgraceful

Why should a court order a company or ad agency to include members of certain population groups in its ads? Not only is this undemocratic, but it could go in all sorts of absurd directions: Must men appear in ads for feminine hygiene products? Must women appear in ads for condoms, aftershave, or PED medications (oh wait. They already do)? Must people of color appear in ads for sun protection products? Must Asians appear in ads for hair straighteners?

When will Israelis learn that the courts are not our patrons? You don’t like Cnaan for succumbing to Haredi blackmail? Then find out who their clients are and boycott them. You oppose Isracard’s decision not to feature Gila Almogor in Jerusalem? Get out your scissors and cut your Isracard in half. Put your money where your mouth is; don’t expect the courts to waste their time with what is after all a consumer preference issue. Besides, the womenless ads are only a symptom of the problem, which is that this group that we call the Haredim — I don’t know a better way to put it — have us by the proverbial balls.

So, Roni Shuv, regarding assuming in advance what Haredi individuals’ positions are on every subject, well, yeah, guilty as charged: I'm not interested in whether the Belz don’t sing the national anthem, but the Shmelz mouth the words; or whether the Bangkok Lubavich believe the rebbe’s dead while the Katmandu Lubavich think he’s just on vacation. I’m interested in what they all do have in common, which, yes, I happen to know “in advance”: They compel me, the taxpayer, to support them. Which means that yes, as per that definition, they’re parasites: They’re not disabled; they’re able to work.

And not only do I unwillingly support them, but I support their schools, which not only thumb their noses at the core curriculum, but hatch an entire ethos based on maintaining their self-image as "us against the goyim", only now that they don't have the handy Cossacks persecuting them any longer, they’ve made us (non-Orthodox Jews) into the goyim. Twisted, I know. No doubt about it: They've made persecution into a fetish.*

They remind me of a girl in my social studies class who, upon learning about the Holocaust, raised her hand to inform us that, “The early Christians were persecuted by the Romans too.” Oh really? They had to meet in catacombs to worship? For like, what? Two years? If I’d been drinking coffee at age 10, I’d’ve snorted it out my nose. Not that it’s a competition or anything.

But today I’m not laughing, certainly not at Jews dressing up their children as concentration camp inmates. Talk about disrespecting those who gave their lives for kidush haShem [the sanctification of God's name]. As far as chilul haShem [the desecration of God's name] goes — as well as chilul haAdam — this disgrace takes the cake.

* For a much more accurate picture of our situation vis-a-vis the Haredim, read Aner Shalev’s description.

Think only Beit Shemeshites get spat on? Think again. אתה חושב שרק בבית שמש יורקים? חשוב שנית

In a talkback on the report of eight-year-old Naama Margolese getting spat on and called a whore on her way to school in Beit Shemesh for not being dressed what the ultra-Orthodox deem modestly, talkbacker Eleanor says: "This group [the rabbis] must be stopped."

Eleanor, unfortunately the “rabbis” will not voluntarily stop. Instead, the police must go, i.e., do their jobs as public servants. Law enforcement and swift crackdown is the only response that will bring the desired results. Not only are the rabbis not going to cede their power, but the perps may not even be taking orders from “above”. I hate to say it, because it's such an oft-used cliche about another minority, but if the shoe fits, wear it: The only language they understand is that of [police] force.

Does not anyone see the irony in the second paragraph of the article? The protest march venue was moved after Haredim threatened violence if it was held at Orot Banot? Excuse me? So let’s get this straight: The thugs succeeded in moving the March Against Thuggery by threatening to use violence if their demands aren’t met. Yoo-hoo! Police: Anybody there? Aren’t you the ones who are armed and trained in crowd control, and if necessary, arrest those who commit violence? You certainly had no compunction about doing so in October 2000 against Arabs, did you?

And why does Haaretz insist on describing Naama Margolese as "religiously observant"? What does her level of observance matter? No eight-year-old, or eighty-year-old, or anyone of any age or level of observance, of any faith or denomination, should have to undergo bullying anywhere, certainly not on her way to school.

When will we, and the legislature, press, police, and other institutions, call a spade a spade? This is bullying, it's harassment, and it's assault, all of which we have laws against. Police: ENFORCE, for God's sake! Today it's “just” the ultra-Orthodox spitting on the Orthodox; tomorrow it’s the ultra-Orthodox spitting on us all.

Sidebar: My daughter’s youth movement winter camp joined the protest, for which I’m proud. Since the protest was hastily organized only after the camp began, the camp organizers had to go into action quickly and get all the parents’ permission for the kids to protest. I of course gave mine, along with my blessing, but not all the parents did. I’d like to ask those parents two questions:

1. Where are your kids supposed to learn solidarity with the downtrodden and social activism if not in their youth movement? Where are they supposed to learn about rights, and not letting terror win out, if not from us, their parents?

2. If you think your neighborhood is safe, that this outrageous behavior is confined to Beit Shemesh (where we, the “enlightened” don’t live), you’re in denial. The Haredim are spreading, and with them their vigilante rule -- Coming Soon to a Nice Suburb Near You.

I confess, I was a little scared; I reminded the counselors to watch out for our kids, and I trust them to, although I don’t expect them to hover. But it’s times like these when I remind myself that Tzviya Lubetkin was only 14 when she crawled through the sewers beneath the Warsaw Ghetto to evade the Nazis while delivering arms to the ghetto fighters. I’m not being melodramatic; obviously I’m grateful that my children are spared such scenarios, likely thanks in part to the Tzviya Lubetkins. The point is that if young people during the Holocaust wittingly placed themselves in danger in order to fight for their freedom, then surely we should encourage our kids to take slight, what are really negligible risks, in order to speak out against injustice, should we not?